One of my best friends Gwyn is having a boyyyy visit her tomorrow.

And she is very nervous because this is a boy who she went to high school with but to whom she'd never talked to in real life before but started IMing and texting and calling this last semester while she started college and now they are in the throws of 18-year-old-lusove (lust and love) and he's visiting her and for the very first time, they will hang out in person.

She is incredibly anxious, and not because he might turn out to be a CRAZY 17-YEAR-OLD MURDERER who woos college girls and visits them and KILLS THEM (as I would be worried about) or that he'll get there and they'll have nothing to say to each other and it will be the most awkward four days ever (another thing I'd worry about). She is the MOST worried that he'll get there and think she is ugly because, even though they skype for 2-3 hours a night, he's only ever seen her through the computer and she is convinced he will think she is ugly and run away from her as soon as he gets off the plane.

(Side note--when she told me that she was skyping with her new boy-toy for 2-3 hours PER NIGHT I got kind of competitive, as I am known to be, and so I decided I would talk to MY boyfriend for 2-3 hours because we've been together for almost 2 years and if she can do it, then we could DEFINITELY do it and probably do it better and be more funny and more awesome. After about 45 minutes, we decided we needed to start playing online scrabble because we had nothing left to say to each other and then we bickered about whether or not "boi" was an ok Scrabble word. It isn't.)

So, I've been telling her that she is being irrational because he's going to love her, especially because they talk constantly. However, I DO know what she means about the whole illusion of skype thing. I spend a LOT of time on skype and I am 100% convinced I look ten times prettier there. For example, here is what I look like on skype with Greg:

HOLY CRAP. CHANGE IN BLOGGING PLAN.

So I was making Greg take screen shots of me when we were skyping to illustrate how I look really cute on a computer screen because it's a little square and even though my hair looks ratty in person it looks pretty and like goldilocks' hair on a good day, and my eyes look like they are the bluest blue ever, like avatar blue, and also they look like they take up half of my face like a cartoon character, and my face which has like 7 zits on it at all times minimum looks spotless and shimmery and clear and my teeth look like someone should hire me to be a tooth model even though in real life, they are kind of yellow and have coffee stains, but THEN he sent me the screen shots and as I was shuffling through, I couldn't help but NOTICE THIS:

I HAVE A ROGUE EYEBROW.

IT IS THERE ALL THE TIME.

It's not just there when I smile normally.

It's there when I look excited:

It's even there when I make a "YOU WIN!" face!!!:

So then I tried to not allow the eyebrow to do its thing and also smile. It's REALLY HARD. And I actually was trying. Not trying to look funny. I swear. And I looked like this:

and then Greg was eating ice cream and not paying attention to me he was like, "What are you talking about. There's no eyebrow issue." And I said YES THERE IS and I showed him by first smiling while also holding down my eyebrow and I look kind of normal:

and then I made THE SAME SMILE but without holding it down and look what happened:

I'll be honest. This is not the first time that I have looked at pictures and thought "Hey, that one eyebrow goes up a LOT more than the other and I look a little bit like a little child molester."

but until TODAY, I believed my friends who were are always telling me, "No way, you're crazy!" and Greg who just repeats, "You are pretty, there's no eyebrow issue."

WELL I am showing them this blog entry because now there is UNDENIABLE PROOF OF MY ROGUE EYEBROW.

So basically, this entire blog post changed. And the moral of the story is that I do NOT look prettier on skype, I just look like I have a crazy eyebrow that has a mind of its own and/or am an INSANE ovelry excited creepster who wants to grind with you at a club.

Gwyn does not have a rogue eyebrow. In fact she has perfect eyebrows that she never plucks. Look:

HER eyebrows stay the same. One of them does not have overly ambitious desires to jump across her face.

EVEN WHEN SHE'S MAKING THIS FACE, her eyebrows are more in line than mine: 

So basically, Gwyn will be just fine. Now excuse me as I go practice my smile and attempt to control the brow. :)

I think the world would be a lot more awesome if it were Liia world.

Seriously. It would never be cold. It could snow, but the snow would stay white and awesome and it wouldn't be too cold to play with and when I (we) were done playing with it, it would just disappear and life would be normal again. There would none of that shoveling your car out of the driveway bullshit. None. Also it would never be horribly humid and hot. There would be NO DAY ever where you walk outside and you feel like you are swimming and breathing in disgusting warm water. It would just be warm and awesome and a perfect beach day all summer long.

Along those lines, no one would sweat. Sweating sucks. All it does is make your clothes splotchy and the wrong color, your face all oily and sweat encourages zits, and sometimes it smells. So no one would sweat. Or shiver. In Liia land, you would just always be comfortable. AND ALSO you would NEVER have to work out. You would be allowed to work out if you wanted to but only for fun because in Liia land, everyone is the exact size they want to be and no matter how many Sprinkles cupcakes or fried treats they eat, they stay THE EXACT SAME SIZE. Therefore, exercise=recreational only.

Also, every single movie would end in an awesome beautiful wedding. And everyone would get married and be happy and there would be no sad Eternal Sunshine of the Crapless Sad Mind or A Crapiful Mind or Step-Crapmom. No. It would be awesome movies with make over montages and weddings and fancy shoes everywhere and hot dark haired scruffy men and some awesome song-breaks a la Enchanted. Also, there could be hilarious cartoons like Despicable Me but no Toy Story 3 bullshit. And, speaking of entertainment, all the shows I like would have new episodes every single week.

Everyone I love would have awesome jobs and make tons of money. People I hate would have CRAPPY JOBS like picking through garbage and separating recycling. If that's not a job, it would become one, and mean evil people would have to do it. But awesome nice people who I love (or who I just know are awesome) can have lots of money doing exactly what they love doing, even if its just eating frozen yogurt or naming nail polishes, they would have a gajillion dollars and it would be great.

Every meal would be like a meal in Hogwarts. The food would be amazing, just appear on your plate, and be never-ending. Also calorie-less. But not like crap diet food. I HATE diet food. It's not the same as regular food no matter what anyone tells you. The food in Liia land would be like real delicious food only it would also make you skinny. And there would be burgers all the time. And there can be vegetarians, but they don't eat around me. (and also if I don't like the vegetarian they have to eat meat EVERY MEAL. LOTS OF BACON FOR THEM because they are mean.)

And no one would ever have to clean anything. It would be a magical world of cleanliness all the time but you don't have to do anything to get it sparkling and pretty, unless you get calm from cleaning, in which case there can be a room that is messy in whatever way you want to clean and you can feel zen but you only do it if you want to. And also you'd have endless money to decorate everything as beautifully as you want to.

AND ALL CLOTHES WOULD FIT PERFECTLY. As soon as you put them on. There would be no too-big-in-the-waist debacles or  too-tight-on-my-big-hips crap. And definitely no skirts that should be mini skirts but actually go all the way to my knees and I look like a kindergarten teacher. Or heels that give you big white bloody blisters. No. Everything would be awesome, fit awesomely, and be free.

Also, VERY IMPORTANT: Sprinkles would be in every dessert. and not chocolate sprinkles, RAINBOW SPRINKLES. (unless it was a dessert that sprinkles would be gross on. Or if you hate sprinkles and you're nice you don't have to eat them.) Who invented chocolate sprinkles? They are not chocolate flavored and they are just ugly.

Also every seat on airplanes would be first class. The fancy first class where you get to lay all the way down and you have your own TV and you get free alcohol the whole time. And you would get prizes for being on the plane that would increase in awesomeness the longer you have to fly--for example for two hours, you get an awesome piece of jewelry. Four hours, you get to pick an exotic vacation for free. Six hours, you get...TO OWN YOUR OWN ISLAND. Actually, that would be bad because we'd run out of islands. Anyway, you get rewards for dealing with plane travel. That is, until the Liia world scientists figure out teleportation. Then no more planes.

And there would be no sharks or jellyfish or scary animals in the ocean. And no tsunamis or big waves or rip tides. The ocean would be a magical place with blue clear water, friendly adorable fish a la Finding Nemo, relaxing awesome waves that you could surf if you wanted to but also just hang out in if you didn't want to and it would always be the exact perfect temperature. Also on every single beach you would have your own free cabana with a spicy cabana gentleman or lady who gives you the most amazing, interesting, fancy cocktails you could ever imagine and also brings warm fluffy white towels that never get sand on them. Sand wouldn't stick to you ever. I hate that. And also, the drinks are calorie free.

And you'd never ever have to talk to someone you don't want to talk to. You'd never be standing at the Wawa (which is like a 7-11 but way more awesome) early in the morning with your hair all disheveled and no make up on and see someone you went to high school with and have to hide. That would never happen because you'd only ever see people you a) feel neutral about or b) super want to see. And also you'd never look disheveled because everyone's hair would just dry perfectly and zits would be outlawed. And eyelashes would just naturally be all mascara-ed and perky so even if you just rolled out of bed, everyone would be pretty.

also in Liia world, when I am right, people would be like "oh, you're right!" not all, "I'm doing something else that you can clearly tell is the wrong choice and ignoring your advice and in three months, I'll come back and be all I should have done exactly what you said but I didnnnn't'" no. none of that. If I was right, people would just see that I was right and it would be good for me and everyone else too.

Oooh! And pets would  never poop or throw up or eat your dinner off the table (I'm looking at you, dumb-pomeranian-of-my-little-brother-who-stole-my-omelette-the-other-week) and they would all be super adorable and they would cuddle you when you want to be cuddled and leave you alone when you're trying to type blog posts and also they'd never grow up and always be baby animals because baby animals are the best kind of animals. And also, did you know that rats eat their siblings when they die? Yeah, they do. I know because I had rats. That would NEVER happen in Liia world.

Basically, I should be queen of the world. Or like a god of the world who can change science and nature and make all of these things happen because I think everyone would be so much happier and things would be way more fun and awesome if Liia world were real. (Except for mean people. They wouldn't like Liia world but they don't get to and that's part of why Liia world is extra awesome.)

Things I spent my money on this weekend:

-margaritas (2 of them. They were orange tinted. And full of tequila. I feel sick now. Money well spent.)

-a delicious burger with bacon AND cheese AND barbecue sauce AND little tiny fried onion pieces on top of it. So, although it cost dollars I don't have, at least it was healthy and TOTALLY on my diet plan! (haha. Funny joke.)

-a chicken kabob and a crepe at the international festival we have every year on campus. That actually was pretty good. And I'd spend money on Nutella any day of the week. I'd sell all of my glassware for Nutella. I might even chop of a finger I don't need, like my pinky or something, if someone said "We need your pinky or else you will never get to eat Nutella again." I'd seriously consider it.

-a sandwich from Trader Joe's because I ran out of meal plans! That actually was justified. And I bought the cheapest sandwich I could find so I give myself an A on this purchase.

-alcoholic pear cider .....because every sandwich needs a five dollar alcoholic beverage to accompany it?

-a bagel with lox  

-Two episodes of Bridezillas on itunes. I HAD to buy these though because I found out my old boss was on it (!!!) But actually it just stressed me out and made me feel like I needed to save money for my wedding (which is not going to happen for AT LEAST five years. At least) RIGHT NOW so that I won't have to stress out over how much my nails cost and/or have to set up the tables by myself and buy my decorations at Party City HOLY SHIT!

(Woah, look. All of these things are food except for one. Nice. And not even healthy food. Even better.)

Things I did not do with my money on this weekend:

-buy toothpaste. I ran out of toothpaste on Friday so instead of buying more, I begged my friend to put some toothpaste in a little zip lock baggie for me so that I could just dip my tooth brush into my tooth-paste-bag and not have to spend the 5 dollars for a tube. Because she is so nice, she gave me a trial sized one she had in her house. Apparently toothpaste is not as important as margaritas.

-save dollars for my Vegas trip in 2 weeks. Apparently I am planning on going to go to Vegas with invisible money or maybe I'll take Monopoly money. That counts, right? The hotel will be like, "Oh, we understand. Burgers/margaritas/lox/episodes of crappy wedding TV shows are legitimate and necessary purchases. We'll accept your fake money and/or a hug instead of real live money. We hate real live money anyway."

-save dollars for an apartment.  Same as Vegas. Apparently I plan on spending invisible/imaginary money and/or trade hugs for rent. Anyone want to take me up on that? Anyone? Maybe I'll make a craigslist ad. Dear apartment-owner, I am very nice but I have no money because I spend it all on burgers and alcohol. Please rent me your apartment in exchange for any of the following things:
1) hugs
2) basic knowledge about gender and sex. We could have a weekly sit down where we discuss all the key and important things I learned in college.
3) high fives
4) recordings of myself singing along to karaoke tracks on garageband
5) free hair advice. I could even dye your hair if you want to go to Sally's Beauty Supply and buy the bleach and stuff. I'm pretty good at that. I can't promise, however, that your hair won't come out more than one color and/or feel like hay, but I'll do it!

-save dollars at all. 

So basically this weekend was a win all around for making grown-up life choices and getting ready for grown-up life. (The food was pretty good though.)