Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I tried something new last night

called "Falling asleep the old fashioned way without television/what I really mean by that is without my computer playing television on it because I don't have a TV" because I have become scared that I'm getting crappy sleep because of the light and stuff from the computer that is interrupting my sleep cycle and that all sounds like bad news. Plus I'm a big grown up person. I can sleep without the TV, right? Right.

Wrong. I was not very successful. It took about 7 million hours to actually fall asleep and then I slept TERRIBLY and woke up every hour being like WHAT IS GOING ON WHERE AM I!? I also had nightmares. Not awesome stress dreams like the one from two nights ago when I dreamt I was planning the royal wedding (super awesome) but scary dreams. And also one stress dream about failing a french class and not being allowed to graduate. I am not taking french at all right now. Anyway, now I'm tired and going to take a nice 6:45 am nap.

But before that, I just wanted tell you that that I DID do some very productive blog brainstorming for at least an hour last night before I tossed and turned for more hours. I swear to god, I had the most revolutionary, amazing blog post ideas and I promised myself I'd remember them all and make 100 posts today and have a super active blog for AT LEAST A WEEK. I mentally high-fived myself. I had visions of instant blogging fame because my posts were so amazingly unique and hilarious some blogging scout would find me immediately. As I repeated them over and over to myself, I thought that maybe I should write them down on the computer, but then I decided that was counter my entire project of no-television-no-computer-because-of-sleep-cycle-interupption plan.

So of course this morning? I remember none of them. I am very sad. For myself and perhaps even more so for you. Because they really were especially awesome blog post ideas. And now only crazed-late-night-Liia knows about them. Day-time-Liia and you guys are shit out of luck. Which is very sad for all of us.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Dear Universe,

It's me, Liia.

I'm just writing to request one of the following things: so many 100 dollars bills that they fill my dorm room so much that when I open the door it falls into the hallway. OR a magical bag like Barney has that just spits out money so I can do lots of cool things but not have to worry about making my bills. YEAH WAIT I WANT THE BAG THING!

 If you CAN'T give me that, I'd accept a job.

Here are my qualifications: I'm smart! I know how to write! I just turned in a super long thesis! I have a degree in gender studies so I can say "That's GENDERED!" if you want whenever I see things that are gendered! I also can not do that. I bet that would be super annoying. I wouldn't like it. But I'm flexible. I can also talk to you about The Bachelor and lots of random television shows for hours! I like glittery high heels and chocolate milk and I could...bring my boss milk? I'd probably not wear the glitter shoes at work. My feet would hurt so badly. Also I don't want to get into any weird, foot fetish-y type things, so I think it's best to avoid 4 inch sparkly heels in the day time.

But other than that, I'll take any job. Seriously, any job. Er...maybe not a garbage man-lady. Or something that involves fecal matter. Or.....anything that involves prostitution. Or snakes. Or angry evil elves. Or ghosts. Or anything supernatural.

BUT OTHER THAN THAT, really anything. Just say the word. I'll be the best ______ you've EVER SEEN!!!! (and sooner rather than later, because I kind of feel like I may lose my mind if I don't find employment soon. Kgreaththanks.)


Sunday, April 17, 2011

I'm editing my thesis

which is a 92 page ridiculously long paper my liberal arts college makes all undergrad do their senior year (why?! If Harvard doesn't require it, I really don't think we should. BUT WE DO.) And basically, you work on it all year, and you have two professors who act as your advisors and edit your work and you meet with them like every three weeks and they say "This part sucks, this part is awesome!" Well, mostly this part sucks, fix it, and then you go home to your dorm and sit on your messy bed and watch whole seasons of Drop Dead Diva instead of productively editing like you should and then two days before the next chapter is due for review you FREAK OUT and stay up for A GAJILLION HOURS and edit. Which is just very productive and awesome.

Anyway, I did just that. And after my lots of hours sitting around typing like a crazy person, doing extensive research and watching every season of How I Met Your Mother, Drop Dead Diva and I Shouldn't Be Alive, I am three days away from the deadline and actually pretty happy with my ridiculously long paper about weight loss blogging (which is going to be SO useful in real grown up life. hahahaha.) And my main reader, she think its pretty good and just told me to fix my long sentences and that commas are my friend and to frollick along happily because I am almost done.

My SECOND reader, however, told me to change all the things. And add like a gajillion other points without making it any longer (which I could only do if I lived in Harry Potter land because paper doesn't stay the same size when you are adding to it in Muggle land. At least, I haven't figured out how to, if you know how, TELL ME IN THE NEXT 3 DAYS! I'll send you cupcakes that I bought from a store because I suck at baking) and after I sat around and pouted for the last 4 days, and drank a lot of margaritas/ate donuts/went to a sweaty weird dance party, I am now sitting down to go through her edits. and they are making me SO MAD. NOT ONLY does she want me to add a gajillion things I just don't have time to add, but she also does thinks like this:



OK. I don't know if you agree, but to me, those things are NOT NECESSARY TO EDIT. This is a creative writing memoiry section of my thesis. It's in my writing style, it's supposed to be kind of informal, which she ok-ed. How is replacing "that" with "like" in that sentence even important!? I don't even know if there's anything grammatically incorrect with that. And sure, maybe saying "so much energy" is not as academic as "a lot of" energy but I don't think it gives the same tone and vibe as the other.

AND THE KILLER ONE is in a "small" versus "little" middle class neighborhood. THOSE ARE SYNONYMS FOR THE SAME WORD. HOW AM I WRONG?!

Oh man. it's driving me insane. I am so happy to change things that are grammatically incorrect or run-ony or whatever, I have sent this paper to everyone who wants to read it so that I can have as many edits as possible. But little things like that over and over and over again? Are slowly making me crazy.

OH ALSO apparently you can not say the word "incredible" or "incredibly" ever in any kind of writing ever. She always crosses it out. And says "no." I like that word. I want to use it. I feel incredibly sad I cannot.

Ok, important side note, especially if one day I get super blog famous and she finds this blog and cries because I dissed her editing which is never going to happen because even if I was famous I'm pretty sure she has lots of important cool professory things to be doing, but if it did I must cover my bases, she actually has been AMAZING this semester and super supportive and understanding and I have cried more than once in her office hours because I feel like I might explode from the anxieties of having to write way too many pages and look for jobs and be in college. (How I am going to handle REAL pressure in like, a month, I have no idea...) And she was awesome about me doing a kind of atypical and untraditional thesis topic and I really do love her. 

BUT RIGHT NOW, her little blue edits, are making me want to go a) drink some more drinks b) eat one million burgers c) get a tattoo d) jump off of my balcony so that I break my leg and don't have to do more thesis because I have traumatic stress disorder from the pain of the break and then thesis is over and they feel bad for me so they give me an A. Or like, pretend to have a mental breakdown or something. Or hide under my bed until graduation day.

Actually just all professors are pissing me off. Like my creative writing professor who keeps making a combination of these two faces:
This picture says: I am a very concerned teacher who is VERY WORRIED about your mental health and well-being because you haven't been to my office hours yet.

This picture says: Ummm, excuse me? Who do you think you are? I am a PUBLISHED AUTHOR you are just a silly SENIOR at a silly little college. How can you NOT have come see me in my office hours yet, hmmmmmmm? (only his version is less mean-girl looking than mine)

because I haven't come to his office hours yet. Bitch, I AM A SENIOR. It's April 17th. I'm still coming to class. THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH.

hahaha listen to me. I could sum up this whole entry like this: Liia is a bratty senior who feels like she doesn't need to listen to any professor or go to any class because she is a senior and it's sunny outside. And she complains about nice professors who just are doing their job and want to help. Therefore, Liia is just an ungrateful brat. Oh my. Ok, back to work now. (please don't stop coming back to read my blog because I sound like a huge brat. Right now, I think I'm being hilarious, but I might just be being rude and ridiculous and brattastic. Rudiculastic. I think I will post anyway) :)

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

One of my best friends Gwyn is having a boyyyy visit her tomorrow.

And she is very nervous because this is a boy who she went to high school with but to whom she'd never talked to in real life before but started IMing and texting and calling this last semester while she started college and now they are in the throws of 18-year-old-lusove (lust and love) and he's visiting her and for the very first time, they will hang out in person.

She is incredibly anxious, and not because he might turn out to be a CRAZY 17-YEAR-OLD MURDERER who woos college girls and visits them and KILLS THEM (as I would be worried about) or that he'll get there and they'll have nothing to say to each other and it will be the most awkward four days ever (another thing I'd worry about). She is the MOST worried that he'll get there and think she is ugly because, even though they skype for 2-3 hours a night, he's only ever seen her through the computer and she is convinced he will think she is ugly and run away from her as soon as he gets off the plane.

(Side note--when she told me that she was skyping with her new boy-toy for 2-3 hours PER NIGHT I got kind of competitive, as I am known to be, and so I decided I would talk to MY boyfriend for 2-3 hours because we've been together for almost 2 years and if she can do it, then we could DEFINITELY do it and probably do it better and be more funny and more awesome. After about 45 minutes, we decided we needed to start playing online scrabble because we had nothing left to say to each other and then we bickered about whether or not "boi" was an ok Scrabble word. It isn't.)

So, I've been telling her that she is being irrational because he's going to love her, especially because they talk constantly. However, I DO know what she means about the whole illusion of skype thing. I spend a LOT of time on skype and I am 100% convinced I look ten times prettier there. For example, here is what I look like on skype with Greg:


So I was making Greg take screen shots of me when we were skyping to illustrate how I look really cute on a computer screen because it's a little square and even though my hair looks ratty in person it looks pretty and like goldilocks' hair on a good day, and my eyes look like they are the bluest blue ever, like avatar blue, and also they look like they take up half of my face like a cartoon character, and my face which has like 7 zits on it at all times minimum looks spotless and shimmery and clear and my teeth look like someone should hire me to be a tooth model even though in real life, they are kind of yellow and have coffee stains, but THEN he sent me the screen shots and as I was shuffling through, I couldn't help but NOTICE THIS:



It's not just there when I smile normally.

It's there when I look excited:

It's even there when I make a "YOU WIN!" face!!!:

So then I tried to not allow the eyebrow to do its thing and also smile. It's REALLY HARD. And I actually was trying. Not trying to look funny. I swear. And I looked like this:

and then Greg was eating ice cream and not paying attention to me he was like, "What are you talking about. There's no eyebrow issue." And I said YES THERE IS and I showed him by first smiling while also holding down my eyebrow and I look kind of normal:

and then I made THE SAME SMILE but without holding it down and look what happened:

I'll be honest. This is not the first time that I have looked at pictures and thought "Hey, that one eyebrow goes up a LOT more than the other and I look a little bit like a little child molester."

but until TODAY, I believed my friends who were are always telling me, "No way, you're crazy!" and Greg who just repeats, "You are pretty, there's no eyebrow issue."

WELL I am showing them this blog entry because now there is UNDENIABLE PROOF OF MY ROGUE EYEBROW.

So basically, this entire blog post changed. And the moral of the story is that I do NOT look prettier on skype, I just look like I have a crazy eyebrow that has a mind of its own and/or am an INSANE ovelry excited creepster who wants to grind with you at a club.

Gwyn does not have a rogue eyebrow. In fact she has perfect eyebrows that she never plucks. Look:

HER eyebrows stay the same. One of them does not have overly ambitious desires to jump across her face.
EVEN WHEN SHE'S MAKING THIS FACE, her eyebrows are more in line than mine: 

So basically, Gwyn will be just fine. Now excuse me as I go practice my smile and attempt to control the brow. :)

Monday, April 11, 2011

Tonight I am (was) cranky

because my face is bloated and looks a lot like a hippo face and I still don't have a job (even though I have sent out 0 applications in the past 2 weeks, but I still think I should have one. See this post.) and since I'm almost graduated and it's the end of the semester, I don't have enough homework to feel like I have to do it and that's weird and kind of stressful and actually I have no idea WHY but I'm super cranky.

So I started skyping my boyfriend Greg on the east coast because he was all "Hey baby, can we talk? I miss you!"

So we're talking and I'm lying down trying to stay awake because I took an anxiety drug AND two ibuprofen PM's because I want to be un-anxious and also tired (because sleepy drugs are awesome. And I WAS tired, but now I feel kind of awake and mostly annoyed so I think I powered through the sleep part of the pill. Oops.) and I was going on and on about how I was cranky and then Greg was all, "I wish I were there with you!"

To which I replied, "Well, if you were here, I'D JUST HIT YOU!"

And he said, ", how hard?"

and I yelled, "REALLY HARD."

"So, I'd have bruises?" (this is not going in a sexy direction, although someone who is into S & M might think so.)

And I said, "YES!"

And Greg said, "Well, that's domestic abuse, babe." And I said I DIDN'T CARE and I WANTED to be arrested anyway. I don't know why I said I wanted to be arrested, but in the moment I REALLY REALLY DID. Maybe because tonight when I was watching a clip of Mad Love, that new show with that annoying blonde girl from How I Met Your Mother and Scrubs, she said that inmates usually read a book a week and that sounds really awesome right now so I thought I might as well get arrested so the reading can commence.

So then Greg sighed all softly and smiled and said, "Well, at least you'd be touching me if you were hitting me!" and he smiled all annoyingly and grossly into the screen like this:

I added hearts over where his eyes are. Also, don't I look pretty?!?!?!

I told him he was disgusting.

THEN I made him re-make the face he was making three times (because the first two times he didn't do it right) so that I could post it on this blog and do something funny to it like add hearts in photoshop, and once I got the perfect shot that looked like the original face I told him he did a good job and he replied, "Well thanks baby, I couldn't have done it without you." AND HE MADE THE ANNOYING LOVEY FACE AGAIN!

And I said, "Why are you trying to suck up to me and make me happy???!?!?!?!" and he asked if that was a bad thing because he didn't think it was? And I said that YES IT WAS A BAD THING.

So then he smiled and said he missed me and I said I didn't care and that I hated EVERYONE all of my friends and ALL of my family because I AM CRANKY and I hated HIM THE MOST and he just made that face at me again and then I told him to hold on because I needed to make a blog post about him.

And then I did.

And actually making the hearts over his eyes was the best thing I've done in the past three hours and made me laugh out loud so I guess he did kind of make me a little less cranky even though he didn't mean to and it was just because hearts-under-his-hairy-eyebrows look hilarious.

I think I should win the best girlfriend ever award. Nominate me, won't you? :)

Sunday, April 10, 2011

I think the world would be a lot more awesome if it were Liia world.

Seriously. It would never be cold. It could snow, but the snow would stay white and awesome and it wouldn't be too cold to play with and when I (we) were done playing with it, it would just disappear and life would be normal again. There would none of that shoveling your car out of the driveway bullshit. None. Also it would never be horribly humid and hot. There would be NO DAY ever where you walk outside and you feel like you are swimming and breathing in disgusting warm water. It would just be warm and awesome and a perfect beach day all summer long.

Along those lines, no one would sweat. Sweating sucks. All it does is make your clothes splotchy and the wrong color, your face all oily and sweat encourages zits, and sometimes it smells. So no one would sweat. Or shiver. In Liia land, you would just always be comfortable. AND ALSO you would NEVER have to work out. You would be allowed to work out if you wanted to but only for fun because in Liia land, everyone is the exact size they want to be and no matter how many Sprinkles cupcakes or fried treats they eat, they stay THE EXACT SAME SIZE. Therefore, exercise=recreational only.

Also, every single movie would end in an awesome beautiful wedding. And everyone would get married and be happy and there would be no sad Eternal Sunshine of the Crapless Sad Mind or A Crapiful Mind or Step-Crapmom. No. It would be awesome movies with make over montages and weddings and fancy shoes everywhere and hot dark haired scruffy men and some awesome song-breaks a la Enchanted. Also, there could be hilarious cartoons like Despicable Me but no Toy Story 3 bullshit. And, speaking of entertainment, all the shows I like would have new episodes every single week.

Everyone I love would have awesome jobs and make tons of money. People I hate would have CRAPPY JOBS like picking through garbage and separating recycling. If that's not a job, it would become one, and mean evil people would have to do it. But awesome nice people who I love (or who I just know are awesome) can have lots of money doing exactly what they love doing, even if its just eating frozen yogurt or naming nail polishes, they would have a gajillion dollars and it would be great.

Every meal would be like a meal in Hogwarts. The food would be amazing, just appear on your plate, and be never-ending. Also calorie-less. But not like crap diet food. I HATE diet food. It's not the same as regular food no matter what anyone tells you. The food in Liia land would be like real delicious food only it would also make you skinny. And there would be burgers all the time. And there can be vegetarians, but they don't eat around me. (and also if I don't like the vegetarian they have to eat meat EVERY MEAL. LOTS OF BACON FOR THEM because they are mean.)

And no one would ever have to clean anything. It would be a magical world of cleanliness all the time but you don't have to do anything to get it sparkling and pretty, unless you get calm from cleaning, in which case there can be a room that is messy in whatever way you want to clean and you can feel zen but you only do it if you want to. And also you'd have endless money to decorate everything as beautifully as you want to.

AND ALL CLOTHES WOULD FIT PERFECTLY. As soon as you put them on. There would be no too-big-in-the-waist debacles or  too-tight-on-my-big-hips crap. And definitely no skirts that should be mini skirts but actually go all the way to my knees and I look like a kindergarten teacher. Or heels that give you big white bloody blisters. No. Everything would be awesome, fit awesomely, and be free.

Also, VERY IMPORTANT: Sprinkles would be in every dessert. and not chocolate sprinkles, RAINBOW SPRINKLES. (unless it was a dessert that sprinkles would be gross on. Or if you hate sprinkles and you're nice you don't have to eat them.) Who invented chocolate sprinkles? They are not chocolate flavored and they are just ugly.

Also every seat on airplanes would be first class. The fancy first class where you get to lay all the way down and you have your own TV and you get free alcohol the whole time. And you would get prizes for being on the plane that would increase in awesomeness the longer you have to fly--for example for two hours, you get an awesome piece of jewelry. Four hours, you get to pick an exotic vacation for free. Six hours, you get...TO OWN YOUR OWN ISLAND. Actually, that would be bad because we'd run out of islands. Anyway, you get rewards for dealing with plane travel. That is, until the Liia world scientists figure out teleportation. Then no more planes.

And there would be no sharks or jellyfish or scary animals in the ocean. And no tsunamis or big waves or rip tides. The ocean would be a magical place with blue clear water, friendly adorable fish a la Finding Nemo, relaxing awesome waves that you could surf if you wanted to but also just hang out in if you didn't want to and it would always be the exact perfect temperature. Also on every single beach you would have your own free cabana with a spicy cabana gentleman or lady who gives you the most amazing, interesting, fancy cocktails you could ever imagine and also brings warm fluffy white towels that never get sand on them. Sand wouldn't stick to you ever. I hate that. And also, the drinks are calorie free.

And you'd never ever have to talk to someone you don't want to talk to. You'd never be standing at the Wawa (which is like a 7-11 but way more awesome) early in the morning with your hair all disheveled and no make up on and see someone you went to high school with and have to hide. That would never happen because you'd only ever see people you a) feel neutral about or b) super want to see. And also you'd never look disheveled because everyone's hair would just dry perfectly and zits would be outlawed. And eyelashes would just naturally be all mascara-ed and perky so even if you just rolled out of bed, everyone would be pretty.

also in Liia world, when I am right, people would be like "oh, you're right!" not all, "I'm doing something else that you can clearly tell is the wrong choice and ignoring your advice and in three months, I'll come back and be all I should have done exactly what you said but I didnnnn't'" no. none of that. If I was right, people would just see that I was right and it would be good for me and everyone else too.

Oooh! And pets would  never poop or throw up or eat your dinner off the table (I'm looking at you, dumb-pomeranian-of-my-little-brother-who-stole-my-omelette-the-other-week) and they would all be super adorable and they would cuddle you when you want to be cuddled and leave you alone when you're trying to type blog posts and also they'd never grow up and always be baby animals because baby animals are the best kind of animals. And also, did you know that rats eat their siblings when they die? Yeah, they do. I know because I had rats. That would NEVER happen in Liia world.

Basically, I should be queen of the world. Or like a god of the world who can change science and nature and make all of these things happen because I think everyone would be so much happier and things would be way more fun and awesome if Liia world were real. (Except for mean people. They wouldn't like Liia world but they don't get to and that's part of why Liia world is extra awesome.)

Things I spent my money on this weekend:

-margaritas (2 of them. They were orange tinted. And full of tequila. I feel sick now. Money well spent.)

-a delicious burger with bacon AND cheese AND barbecue sauce AND little tiny fried onion pieces on top of it. So, although it cost dollars I don't have, at least it was healthy and TOTALLY on my diet plan! (haha. Funny joke.)

-a chicken kabob and a crepe at the international festival we have every year on campus. That actually was pretty good. And I'd spend money on Nutella any day of the week. I'd sell all of my glassware for Nutella. I might even chop of a finger I don't need, like my pinky or something, if someone said "We need your pinky or else you will never get to eat Nutella again." I'd seriously consider it.

-a sandwich from Trader Joe's because I ran out of meal plans! That actually was justified. And I bought the cheapest sandwich I could find so I give myself an A on this purchase.

-alcoholic pear cider .....because every sandwich needs a five dollar alcoholic beverage to accompany it?

-a bagel with lox  

-Two episodes of Bridezillas on itunes. I HAD to buy these though because I found out my old boss was on it (!!!) But actually it just stressed me out and made me feel like I needed to save money for my wedding (which is not going to happen for AT LEAST five years. At least) RIGHT NOW so that I won't have to stress out over how much my nails cost and/or have to set up the tables by myself and buy my decorations at Party City HOLY SHIT!

(Woah, look. All of these things are food except for one. Nice. And not even healthy food. Even better.)

Things I did not do with my money on this weekend:

-buy toothpaste. I ran out of toothpaste on Friday so instead of buying more, I begged my friend to put some toothpaste in a little zip lock baggie for me so that I could just dip my tooth brush into my tooth-paste-bag and not have to spend the 5 dollars for a tube. Because she is so nice, she gave me a trial sized one she had in her house. Apparently toothpaste is not as important as margaritas.

-save dollars for my Vegas trip in 2 weeks. Apparently I am planning on going to go to Vegas with invisible money or maybe I'll take Monopoly money. That counts, right? The hotel will be like, "Oh, we understand. Burgers/margaritas/lox/episodes of crappy wedding TV shows are legitimate and necessary purchases. We'll accept your fake money and/or a hug instead of real live money. We hate real live money anyway."

-save dollars for an apartment.  Same as Vegas. Apparently I plan on spending invisible/imaginary money and/or trade hugs for rent. Anyone want to take me up on that? Anyone? Maybe I'll make a craigslist ad. Dear apartment-owner, I am very nice but I have no money because I spend it all on burgers and alcohol. Please rent me your apartment in exchange for any of the following things:
1) hugs
2) basic knowledge about gender and sex. We could have a weekly sit down where we discuss all the key and important things I learned in college.
3) high fives
4) recordings of myself singing along to karaoke tracks on garageband
5) free hair advice. I could even dye your hair if you want to go to Sally's Beauty Supply and buy the bleach and stuff. I'm pretty good at that. I can't promise, however, that your hair won't come out more than one color and/or feel like hay, but I'll do it!

-save dollars at all. 

So basically this weekend was a win all around for making grown-up life choices and getting ready for grown-up life. (The food was pretty good though.) 

Friday, April 8, 2011

There is one month until I graduate.

ONE MONTH. I am one of the many people graduating with a liberal arts degree (in gender studies), which seemed VERY relevant and VERY useful when I was studying it but now I realize does not have a very clear career path, especially since I am kind of unenthused about nonprofit work and teaching and/or anything that I'm qualified to do. Awesome. And sure, I've thought about grad school, but with no idea of what I want to do with my life, I just can't justify taking our more loans when I might be like, "Yes! I DO want to be a vet!" and then get to my second semester and be all, "Wait...I have to touch animals-that-are-not-cute-puppies? NO THANKS!" which would make me even more poor and confused so basically that makes me just a 23-year old who, like so many other people my age, is graduating with a lot of loans with a degree that, sure, made me think a lot, but is not immediately lucrative and with little to no idea about what I DO want to do with my life and I am, to say the least, a little freaked.
However, I have lots of great back up plans!
1)      Become famous via the internet and/or any other form of fame. However, I do not want to take auditions because they scare me so someone will have to just see me walking around and be like “Wow, underneath that stained t-shirt, awkwardly long jeans, crazy frazzly pony-tale, THERE IS A STAR! Hey you! Come be the NEW STAR of my NUMBER 1 TV SHOW! I had cast Reese Witherspoon, but NOW I NEED YOU!”
   I’d also accept, “BEAUTIFUL LADY! Come revolutionize the modeling industry with me as I make you the NUMBER ONE SUPERMODEL OF THE WORLD even though you are 5’2 and a size 8 because YOU ARE JUST THAT AWESOME! Tomorrow, we shoot the cover of Vogue and the next day Cosmo and the next day THE WORLD.” And/or “You! With the awesome bright orange gym shorts and awkwardly yellow-green t-shirt, you are just PERFECT! I will just pay you lots of dollars to go shopping and attend cool events!” All of those things are acceptable and I would approve as a job choice.
2)      I also have a health/fitness/complain-about-weight-loss blog. I would TOTALLY be ok with having, say, 3,000,000 followers, and/or then getting paid to do the things I’m already doing (aka working out way more than I’d like to, running long distance races kind of slowly, avoiding any kind of crunches and then writing about it online) and be wonderfully content.
3)      Get paid somewhere between...I don't know, 75,000-1,000,000 dollars (anywhere in between there is fine, or above that is cool too) to go to clubs/bars and dress up all fancy and sometimes dance/sometimes sell drinks/sometimes just walk around being awesome in glitter heels. OOOH and included in my salary are FREE GLITTER HEELS all the time! And/or other kinds of high heels like Louboutins, those would be cool too. Maybe I should get paid to wear cool shoes. I AM very short. I have a need for them. People could look at me and be all, “Woah, that girl is tall and awesome!” and then I could take off my shoes and be like “Not really, actually I’m super short! Aren’t these heels amazing?!” And then they’d say, “YES THEY ARE!!! Holy CRAP! I need to buy 10 pairs!!!!!!!!!!!” And I’d either a) sell them shoes because I am a walking advertisement/high-end shoes saleswoman or b) say, “Well you are in luck! The Amazing Fancy Expensive Shoe store is right around the corner, let me escort you there!” and then I would. That might be better than working at a club actually. So yes. My title would be Fancy Shoe Wearer Who Amazes People With Her Ability to Pretend to be Tall and Therefore Gets Everyone to Buy Shoes.
Best fall-back careers ever. Anyone who has an opening for one or all of these positions, TOTALLY email me. I will get back to you immediately and I promise I’ll be the best famous person/worker outer/shoe wearer you’ve ever had the pleasure to meet.