Sunday, April 10, 2011

I think the world would be a lot more awesome if it were Liia world.

Seriously. It would never be cold. It could snow, but the snow would stay white and awesome and it wouldn't be too cold to play with and when I (we) were done playing with it, it would just disappear and life would be normal again. There would none of that shoveling your car out of the driveway bullshit. None. Also it would never be horribly humid and hot. There would be NO DAY ever where you walk outside and you feel like you are swimming and breathing in disgusting warm water. It would just be warm and awesome and a perfect beach day all summer long.

Along those lines, no one would sweat. Sweating sucks. All it does is make your clothes splotchy and the wrong color, your face all oily and sweat encourages zits, and sometimes it smells. So no one would sweat. Or shiver. In Liia land, you would just always be comfortable. AND ALSO you would NEVER have to work out. You would be allowed to work out if you wanted to but only for fun because in Liia land, everyone is the exact size they want to be and no matter how many Sprinkles cupcakes or fried treats they eat, they stay THE EXACT SAME SIZE. Therefore, exercise=recreational only.

Also, every single movie would end in an awesome beautiful wedding. And everyone would get married and be happy and there would be no sad Eternal Sunshine of the Crapless Sad Mind or A Crapiful Mind or Step-Crapmom. No. It would be awesome movies with make over montages and weddings and fancy shoes everywhere and hot dark haired scruffy men and some awesome song-breaks a la Enchanted. Also, there could be hilarious cartoons like Despicable Me but no Toy Story 3 bullshit. And, speaking of entertainment, all the shows I like would have new episodes every single week.

Everyone I love would have awesome jobs and make tons of money. People I hate would have CRAPPY JOBS like picking through garbage and separating recycling. If that's not a job, it would become one, and mean evil people would have to do it. But awesome nice people who I love (or who I just know are awesome) can have lots of money doing exactly what they love doing, even if its just eating frozen yogurt or naming nail polishes, they would have a gajillion dollars and it would be great.

Every meal would be like a meal in Hogwarts. The food would be amazing, just appear on your plate, and be never-ending. Also calorie-less. But not like crap diet food. I HATE diet food. It's not the same as regular food no matter what anyone tells you. The food in Liia land would be like real delicious food only it would also make you skinny. And there would be burgers all the time. And there can be vegetarians, but they don't eat around me. (and also if I don't like the vegetarian they have to eat meat EVERY MEAL. LOTS OF BACON FOR THEM because they are mean.)

And no one would ever have to clean anything. It would be a magical world of cleanliness all the time but you don't have to do anything to get it sparkling and pretty, unless you get calm from cleaning, in which case there can be a room that is messy in whatever way you want to clean and you can feel zen but you only do it if you want to. And also you'd have endless money to decorate everything as beautifully as you want to.

AND ALL CLOTHES WOULD FIT PERFECTLY. As soon as you put them on. There would be no too-big-in-the-waist debacles or  too-tight-on-my-big-hips crap. And definitely no skirts that should be mini skirts but actually go all the way to my knees and I look like a kindergarten teacher. Or heels that give you big white bloody blisters. No. Everything would be awesome, fit awesomely, and be free.

Also, VERY IMPORTANT: Sprinkles would be in every dessert. and not chocolate sprinkles, RAINBOW SPRINKLES. (unless it was a dessert that sprinkles would be gross on. Or if you hate sprinkles and you're nice you don't have to eat them.) Who invented chocolate sprinkles? They are not chocolate flavored and they are just ugly.

Also every seat on airplanes would be first class. The fancy first class where you get to lay all the way down and you have your own TV and you get free alcohol the whole time. And you would get prizes for being on the plane that would increase in awesomeness the longer you have to fly--for example for two hours, you get an awesome piece of jewelry. Four hours, you get to pick an exotic vacation for free. Six hours, you get...TO OWN YOUR OWN ISLAND. Actually, that would be bad because we'd run out of islands. Anyway, you get rewards for dealing with plane travel. That is, until the Liia world scientists figure out teleportation. Then no more planes.

And there would be no sharks or jellyfish or scary animals in the ocean. And no tsunamis or big waves or rip tides. The ocean would be a magical place with blue clear water, friendly adorable fish a la Finding Nemo, relaxing awesome waves that you could surf if you wanted to but also just hang out in if you didn't want to and it would always be the exact perfect temperature. Also on every single beach you would have your own free cabana with a spicy cabana gentleman or lady who gives you the most amazing, interesting, fancy cocktails you could ever imagine and also brings warm fluffy white towels that never get sand on them. Sand wouldn't stick to you ever. I hate that. And also, the drinks are calorie free.

And you'd never ever have to talk to someone you don't want to talk to. You'd never be standing at the Wawa (which is like a 7-11 but way more awesome) early in the morning with your hair all disheveled and no make up on and see someone you went to high school with and have to hide. That would never happen because you'd only ever see people you a) feel neutral about or b) super want to see. And also you'd never look disheveled because everyone's hair would just dry perfectly and zits would be outlawed. And eyelashes would just naturally be all mascara-ed and perky so even if you just rolled out of bed, everyone would be pretty.

also in Liia world, when I am right, people would be like "oh, you're right!" not all, "I'm doing something else that you can clearly tell is the wrong choice and ignoring your advice and in three months, I'll come back and be all I should have done exactly what you said but I didnnnn't'" no. none of that. If I was right, people would just see that I was right and it would be good for me and everyone else too.

Oooh! And pets would  never poop or throw up or eat your dinner off the table (I'm looking at you, dumb-pomeranian-of-my-little-brother-who-stole-my-omelette-the-other-week) and they would all be super adorable and they would cuddle you when you want to be cuddled and leave you alone when you're trying to type blog posts and also they'd never grow up and always be baby animals because baby animals are the best kind of animals. And also, did you know that rats eat their siblings when they die? Yeah, they do. I know because I had rats. That would NEVER happen in Liia world.

Basically, I should be queen of the world. Or like a god of the world who can change science and nature and make all of these things happen because I think everyone would be so much happier and things would be way more fun and awesome if Liia world were real. (Except for mean people. They wouldn't like Liia world but they don't get to and that's part of why Liia world is extra awesome.)

1 comment:

  1. liialand (I've renamed it) sounds like my own personal heaven.