Friday, April 8, 2011

There is one month until I graduate.

ONE MONTH. I am one of the many people graduating with a liberal arts degree (in gender studies), which seemed VERY relevant and VERY useful when I was studying it but now I realize does not have a very clear career path, especially since I am kind of unenthused about nonprofit work and teaching and/or anything that I'm qualified to do. Awesome. And sure, I've thought about grad school, but with no idea of what I want to do with my life, I just can't justify taking our more loans when I might be like, "Yes! I DO want to be a vet!" and then get to my second semester and be all, "Wait...I have to touch animals-that-are-not-cute-puppies? NO THANKS!" which would make me even more poor and confused so basically that makes me just a 23-year old who, like so many other people my age, is graduating with a lot of loans with a degree that, sure, made me think a lot, but is not immediately lucrative and with little to no idea about what I DO want to do with my life and I am, to say the least, a little freaked.
However, I have lots of great back up plans!
1)      Become famous via the internet and/or any other form of fame. However, I do not want to take auditions because they scare me so someone will have to just see me walking around and be like “Wow, underneath that stained t-shirt, awkwardly long jeans, crazy frazzly pony-tale, THERE IS A STAR! Hey you! Come be the NEW STAR of my NUMBER 1 TV SHOW! I had cast Reese Witherspoon, but NOW I NEED YOU!”
   I’d also accept, “BEAUTIFUL LADY! Come revolutionize the modeling industry with me as I make you the NUMBER ONE SUPERMODEL OF THE WORLD even though you are 5’2 and a size 8 because YOU ARE JUST THAT AWESOME! Tomorrow, we shoot the cover of Vogue and the next day Cosmo and the next day THE WORLD.” And/or “You! With the awesome bright orange gym shorts and awkwardly yellow-green t-shirt, you are just PERFECT! I will just pay you lots of dollars to go shopping and attend cool events!” All of those things are acceptable and I would approve as a job choice.
2)      I also have a health/fitness/complain-about-weight-loss blog. I would TOTALLY be ok with having, say, 3,000,000 followers, and/or then getting paid to do the things I’m already doing (aka working out way more than I’d like to, running long distance races kind of slowly, avoiding any kind of crunches and then writing about it online) and be wonderfully content.
3)      Get paid somewhere between...I don't know, 75,000-1,000,000 dollars (anywhere in between there is fine, or above that is cool too) to go to clubs/bars and dress up all fancy and sometimes dance/sometimes sell drinks/sometimes just walk around being awesome in glitter heels. OOOH and included in my salary are FREE GLITTER HEELS all the time! And/or other kinds of high heels like Louboutins, those would be cool too. Maybe I should get paid to wear cool shoes. I AM very short. I have a need for them. People could look at me and be all, “Woah, that girl is tall and awesome!” and then I could take off my shoes and be like “Not really, actually I’m super short! Aren’t these heels amazing?!” And then they’d say, “YES THEY ARE!!! Holy CRAP! I need to buy 10 pairs!!!!!!!!!!!” And I’d either a) sell them shoes because I am a walking advertisement/high-end shoes saleswoman or b) say, “Well you are in luck! The Amazing Fancy Expensive Shoe store is right around the corner, let me escort you there!” and then I would. That might be better than working at a club actually. So yes. My title would be Fancy Shoe Wearer Who Amazes People With Her Ability to Pretend to be Tall and Therefore Gets Everyone to Buy Shoes.
Best fall-back careers ever. Anyone who has an opening for one or all of these positions, TOTALLY email me. I will get back to you immediately and I promise I’ll be the best famous person/worker outer/shoe wearer you’ve ever had the pleasure to meet.

1 comment:

  1. You are very funny and clever and a lovely lady! You can come sell for me if you want--It sounds like you like margaritas, "selling drinks" and maybe your awesome ability to persuade people to buy my product will make us both famous?